Words and Phrases We Must Eliminate

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Last week, Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats proposed new rules for restricting language including banning the use of “gendered terms” and substituting “more inclusive” words. Among the banned words are “he,” “she,” “father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, first cousin, nephew, niece, husband, wife, father-in-law, mother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, stepfather, stepmother, stepson, stepdaughter, stepbrother, stepsister, half brother, half sister, grandson, [and] granddaughter.” It’s not understandable to me why terms that more specifically reference a person and that person’s familial relationship should be banned, why this should matter when our country is struggling with so many serious internal crises, and how this does not violate the First Amendment.

In yet another act of gender-neutral idiocy, Democrat Congressman Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) concluded the daily congressional prayer with the words “amen and awoman.” The word “amen” originates from Hebrew, a congregation’s approval of a solemn prayer, and has no relationship to gender except that the letters “men” appear in the word. Of course, the word “awoman” is totally made up and has no meaning whatsoever.

The University of Michigan’s IT department also recently put out a list terms that are offensive and must be avoided so as not to offend people. This isn’t completely unexpected in today’s progressive world, but this list is strange even by today’s warped standards. For example, according to the list, the word “picnic” should be replaced by “gathering.” The explanation seems to be that there is a rumor on social media that the word has its origins in the lynching of African Americans. This isn’t true; its actual meaning derives from the 17th-century French word “pique-nique,” which was used to described social gatherings in which attendees brought food. However, people could still have heard the false origin and take offense, and so anything that might cause offense in any person, even a stupid one who is badly misinformed, needs to be avoided.

Another term on the list, “brown bag,” should be replaced by “lunch and learn.” No one is really sure about this one, but “brown” could refer to someone’s skin color and thus make someone uncomfortable. For example, this phrase might invoke the image of a racist who hates brown-skinned people and the term “bag” could refer to the bag placed over a person’s head before a hanging. I’m just guessing, but you can see how this could be triggering to a really stupid, misinformed person who is looking for reasons to be upset.

In reality, those who are offended by terminology will certainly find other words and phrases at which to be offended because they are actually utilizing language restrictions to advance and enforce their own power by restricting others. This language war is succeeding, as government, businesses, and academia now ostracize and excommunicate those who “misuse language.” The Founding Fathers understood this problem well and created protections against it in the very first amendment to the Constitution. However, many Americans have now forgotten or have capitulated to this power play and, in doing so, allowed others to gain power over them.

So in the interest of satire, I’ve decided to start my own list of grievous terminology that must be banned from our language. There are many words that can be triggering to people who have a lot of time and little sense. My list is below. I suggest we all keep adding to the list until every word in the English language needs to be banned. Then we can simply grunt and growl at each, while we make sure that our fires are lit, we have time to scrounge for our roots and berries, and our caves are clean and welcoming places to all people, regardless of gender, race, or species.

Word or Phrase Reason Replacement
picnic Mistakenly thought to be derived from lynchings. gathering
gathering Could be a gathering for a lynching. peaceful non-lynching get-together definitely not for lynching anyone
riot Racist. mostly peaceful protest
brown bag Who knows, but obviously some people are upset by it. lunch and learn
lunch Many minorities cannot afford lunch. Also, many cultures have dinner but not lunch, so this is culture-centric. meal
learn Reminds us about the disenfranchising policies of our education system toward minorities. think
colored people Racist. Afro Americans
Afro Americans Wrong. blacks
blacks Wrong. African Americans
African Americans Wrong. Excludes people not from Africa. people of color
people of color Too generic. blacks
blacks Disrespectful. Blacks
Orient, Oriental, orienteering Racist. Asia, Asian, spelunking
Mexican American Wrong. Excludes people not from Mexico. Latin American
Latin American Wrong. Excludes people not from Latin America. Also implies they speak Latin, a language spoken by dead white people. Hispanic
Hispanic Racist. Assumes the culture of Spain, a conquering European/white country. Latino, Latina
Latino, Latina Sexist. Latinx
WASP, wop, dago, mick, hori, kike, polack, redneck, cracker, honky No problem. Kind of funny.
niggardly For obvious reasons. miserly, Shylock, Jew, Scotch
in the black Offensive to blacks. profitable
profitable Offensive to minorities who are systematically excluded from owning or running businesses. got Benjamins
in the red Offensive to Native Americans. losing money
republic, Republican Brings to mind a modern-day, evil political party. Nazi
trigger Part of a gun that kills people. pistil (part of a flower)
pistil Sounds like pistol, which is a gun that kills people. petal (different part of a flower)
literally Mostly because it is used literally way too much and usually incorrectly. Especially by Kelly Clarkson. And it bugs the heck out of me. Literally. very
every life matters Sounds like some lives don’t matter to some people even though it states just the opposite. Black Lives Matter
pro-life Makes some people feel guilty for killing their unborn child. anti-choice
Jesus Christ An all-powerful, judgmental mythical figure. Santa Claus
Gaia An all-powerful, judgmental mythical figure. No problem.
capitalism System that has raised more people of all backgrounds out of poverty than any other in history but is still oppressive and racist. socialism
male Sexist. We shouldn’t assume that someone with facial hair, likes power tools, and has an appendage between his legs is male. person
female Sexist. We shouldn’t assume that someone with breasts, likes shopping, or pees sitting down is female. person
sexually confused Sexist. LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ+
slut, promiscuous Judgmental (even Microsoft Word flags the word “slut” with “this language may be offensive to your reader”). pansexual
he, she, father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, first cousin, nephew, niece, husband, wife, father-in-law, mother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, stepfather, stepmother, stepson, stepdaughter, stepbrother, stepsister, half-brother, half-sister, grandson, granddaughter Sexist. person
amen Sexist. aperson
awoman Sexist. And nonsense. aperson
human Sexist. person
manager Sexist. boss, jerk
management Sexist. lots of jerks
mangy Sexist. shabby
manta Sexist. flappy fish-type thingy
manual Sexist. non-automatic
manure Sexist. shit
many Sexist. lots
menstruation Sexist. period, time of month, on the rag, code red, monthly curse, monthly friend, Aunt Flo is visiting
woman Sexist. superior being
normal Meaningless because everyone is normal. everyone
abnormal Meaningless because no one is abnormal. no one
conservative Obvious. abnormal
progressive Obvious. normal
cripple Insulting. invalid
invalid Derogatory because no one is invalid. handicapped
handicapped Derogatory because one person’s handicap is another’s advantage. Like not having limbs or eyesight. disabled
disabled No one is disabled, everyone has different abilities, like the ability to not hear sounds, which can actually be quite relaxing. differently abled
snowflake Used derogatorily to describe woke, superior people and it makes them really, really upset. better than you
imbecile Derogatory. different thinking
moron Derogatory. different thinking
stupid Derogatory. different thinking
dumb Insulting to those who cannot speak. different thinking
mentally retarded Implies that they cannot think as well as others. different thinking
retarded Insulting. different thinking
idiot Triggering to the idiots who need protection from trigger words and phrases. socially responsible, woke, anti-racist person who is much better than you are

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